Guilt

As a special needs mom I feel like I carry a lot of guilt. As a mother you feel solely responsible for "growing" your child. You also feel responsible for any "hiccups" during that time period.

It's hard to really explain the guilt. You know it's not rational. You know there's isn't anything you could have changed but its still there. It's dark,cold,lonely, and nasty. And just when you think your over  the grief it sneaks up on you as if its the first time. The cut is always there. It heals yes but never completely. It seems that as soon as it starts to heal some little spot is ripped open again.

You not only feel guilt for the difficulties you put on your child but you suddenly carry the weight of the entire family. You feel guilty because your husband is "shorted" a "normal" child. You feel guilty because you know she'll never fit in at a "fancy" affair that the family will attend. You feel guilty because your family members are attending doctors appointments on their days off. You carry the burden of reducing your family to one income. Every time a medical bill comes in you get a lump in your throat. You tell someone the bill and they reply "oh, that's not bad considering everything." And your the one stuck with the financial guilt of a couple grand in medical bills.

Want to know the truth though? I know I'm doing what's best for Elizabeth. I know Jacob wouldn't have it any other way. I know that no other child would have given me the love and happiness Elizabeth gas. I know that God will ALWAYS provide. I know that God has a plan.. A plan bigger than I can imagine for our sweet girl. I know Elizabeth is more than I could have prayed for. I also know I couldn't bear the thought of working and leaving her at home. I know that with therapy 4xs a week and for Elizabeth to develop properly my place is at home. I know that we are loved. And even better I know that we have been fiercely prayed over! I know that God has given me the absolute PERFECT child and I wouldn't have her "normal" even if I could. My life is perfectly directed. Granted I'm human and still have human emotions. I am still going through the emotions. I have fully accepted it but I know somewhere the guilt will always find a way to creep in. I will just have to remind myself that God chose THIS life for me! He chose THIS amazing, bubbly, loving, feisty, angelic, stubborn, miracle for me! All for me!!! He chose ME! Ha.. It's an amazing thought isn't it!